The Question Remains: Who am I today?

No matter what changes in my life there is always that desperate want for something better. A better education, a better way of thinking, a better job, a better... life? I am not comfortable with anything for too long. As you can imagine, this is potentially problematic, and often leads to bouts of deep insomnia that I can't shake even when I'm both physically and mentally exhausted. I think too much. When I'm not comfortable, I sit and think. I lie there in my bed, hands behind my head, and just ponder where to go next. This kind of occurrence is on and off for me, but I must admit, it hasn't been quite this bad since high school. In high school I thought mostly about worldly things like how fucked up the world was, people dying every day for a war we shouldn't have started, and just about the community I lived in and how selfish people could be sometimes. I admit, it was a little over the top and super philosophical some days, and lead me to assume things about society that may have been faulty. Now, however, I find myself in a position where I think deeply about personal issues. I wonder who I am and where I am going. My perception of myself and my thoughts on life seem to change almost daily. I wonder "who am I today?" and "where do I want to be in 5 years?". I wouldn't call it a struggle but rather a necessity. Since joining the USC family, life has been moving so fast. I already have to try and figure out who I want to be in the future, what career I want to hold, and how to get there. I have to consider the possibilities of raising a family one day, and the affect my chosen career path will have on my future family. I have to think about my interactions with the people I care about, with new acquaintances, with potential employers, and strangers. I find myself thinking about and rethinking about my daily interactions with people. What impression did I make? Like I said, I haven't thought about things this much since high school. But I do think that trying to figure myself out is a wonderful thing, and that the process is never truly complete. I suppose that's the beauty of it. We never really stop learning about ourselves, no matter how much we reflect on our lives.

A Song of Suffering

I cannot separate
The speech of life from death
And what they really mean
In the scheme of things.
It doesn't matter anyway...
We'll all be dead some day
It's just a matter of when.
When time stops, folds,
Falls to pieces
Without a sound and the hollow,
Oh, the hollow sound revealed
Engulfs something beautiful...
Scornful and tragic...
Taken away from grace
By the flip of a switch
That changes night from day.
Is it impossible to wonder,
To still be full of life,
When all that's here is pain?

-Lacee Kae

There is no Explanation

I'm sorry, but if I don't write something that I would like to write I'm going to have a cow. I might actually birth one.

I cannot, for the life of me, write a single paragraph for an essay that's decent right now. It's like I've got a mental block just stuck there. Maybe the essay isn't that interesting. Maybe I just don't give a rats ass. Maybe both! Probably both actually, but whatever it is I'm about to have a seizure. I've never had a mental writers block this bad before.

For the love of God, does anyone have a way out of this?

-Lacee Kae

Personality Disorder

I’m a wreck through and through.
My bones ache with the thought
Of seeing your face downcast,
And I shake with the thought
Of shaking you down slowly.
You’re such a pretty picture,
But I’m here waiting to destroy you
With witty sighs and vague remarks
About how lovely the light outside is;
About how these nighttime faces
How they bask in the glow
Of an unending, ethereal spaceship
Unreal to this time and place.
And your symphony sings out loud
To the sky in which it sits
But they hear you not because, after all,
They’re entranced by the sight
And they’re shaking you down
Like I’d really love to.

-September 4, 2010 <3

Anarchist's Blood Part 2

Renee hasn't been the same since we abandoned ship. She's all fucked up in the head. Some people would say we just got into the wrong crowd, but I think she's just been cooped up too long in that military household with her piece of shit dad and his blonde, bimbo, bitch of a girlfriend Abbey. Other people say she's been fucked up all her life. Maybe I just didn't notice. I've always seen myself as the fucked up one.

My mother has been addicted to heroine for as long as I can remember. She'd lock herself up in her room for days and I'd be left to fend for myself. My earliest memory is watching her shove a needle into her arm. I was four years old and I still remember the look on her face. She cinched her arm with such care, like it was the only fucking thing in the world that mattered; like I wasn't there. She inserted the needle so slowly. It took forever. I play it forward and backward in my head in slow motion. I'm back in that house, in that awful room again. I'm young and scared.

Mommy, I say, but she won't look at me, she won't stop. Then her eyes are rolling into the back of her head. She's falling backward but it's all in slow motion again. Her head hits the pillow and I could swear she stops breathing, stops thinking, stops living. Her body seizes as the drug works its way into her blood stream and then she's still.

I creep slowly from the doorway to the bed. I grasp her hand but she's motionless, her entire face is glazed over, and that's when I just can't take it anymore. The tears come. I'm sobbing because I'm tired and hungry and my baby sister is wailing in the other room and I don't understand why I'm here and what's going on anymore. I'm crying because I'm too young for this, because I know this is not the life little girls lead. I'd sit there for hours with her all fucked up. She'd do anything she could get her hands on so long as she had that high.

I grew up too fast.

Late Night Ramble 1

That unbearable question: Who am I today? It's more like, perhaps, who do I want to be? Or who should I be acting as? Or should I be acting at all? And this is all really just a silly game, isn't it? But I'm forced to play anyway because we all just need an answer. Without one we're lost. We have no meaning, or at least believe we don't. And perhaps we don't, but we'll never really know for sure. Either way the feeling in my stomach has not settled and I am left with this blatant misunderstanding of myself and my means here like (and I hope this is true) a lot of youth today. It's out of my control. As much as I'd like to believe that I can hold destiny in my small, pale hands I cannot and am forced, like the rest of the human world, to remain faithful to a cause or being for those questions I cannot answer myself. Does this all sound like jibberish? I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Ok. Done rambling and thank you for reading.

Just Another Girl

I can see it too.
Everything you're hiding revealed
In just a look.
A touch or smell...
Nothing quite compares to it,
To that feeling you get.
For once I'm not afraid.
If I had the chance I'd be good,
And you'd never have to doubt,
So just let me live to tell.
What's another story
In this book of high times?

Self-Reflection: A Meandering Philosophy Lesson From A Know Nothing Girl

Anger, which usually translates into some kind of disappointment, often has to do with oneself, or so I've come to believe. The things that disappoint me most are things I see as character flaws/weaknesses of my own when really they are things I may not be able to control. I've realized that I need to be comfortable enough with myself to admit that I tend to overreact to silly things. Understanding the way in which I overreact and why I can't always control the happenings around me, I also must realize each person takes life in their own stride. My stride just happens to be filled with far more nervous anticipation than the one of the person cooly walking next to me. And I rest.

Estranged From Earth

My face is going numb.
I can't help it you see,
I really can't take my eyes away.
They're stuck here on this screen.
Obviously we've done something wrong
If this technology is turning,
Making me want more than I can have.
I've always bitten off more than I can chew anyway.
This is nothing new.
It's nothing at all.
Nothing.

-LKS <3

Uninhibited

I feel more alive than dead
For the time being.
Push me too far and I'll crash
Into sacred oblivion without looking back.
You love me, you love me not,
Who cares?
It's all foreplay anyway, isn't it?

-Lacee Kae, written June 6

Lamb

You're so elusive.
I can't wrap my head around it.
You invade every inch of my mind
And do not cease.
You're like a poison
And there's no antidote,
So I crave it,
Coming back again and again
Like a poor little lamb.

-Lacee Kae

Balcony Entry

How many times can you say it?
Or how many ways?
Just let me know when and I'll stray through the haze
But I will not be weary and will not be sad
And sorry won't work with this promise we had
But it's broken
We are, and you know it to
Just try things on for size and we'll see what they do
So we worked it.
And the pieces weren't right,
Your persistence was daring through all of the fight
I was hurt, you were too
Although in the scheme there was nothing to do
You had to see this coming
Oh, please don't be sad
There's no room for sorry when feelings are bad.

-Lacee Kae

Thick And Thin Of It

There's nothing left to say. That's really the thick and thin of it.

Actually, that's a lie. So wow, summer already! How quickly life moves when you've got no time at all on your hands. Every day flies by fun-filled, or not so fun-filled, and eats away at the little moments you should cherish most but usually don't stop to take a look at until it's too late. Such is life. But there is a lot to be thankful for! Now if we could only help our neighbors, whether they're right next door, on Skid Row, or in another country, that'd be even more lovely.

For now <3
Lacee Kae

Scared Like You

You say you're all the rage,
But you don't even know
That you're not who you say.
Don't admit it.
That's fine.
Just know we know you
Better than you could know yourself.
It's really nothing personal,
We do it too,
Just not as pronounced.
We insinuate that we're better
Than we actually feel inside
And people believe...
But we're scared like you.
We don't admit it,
But we're scared like you.

-BeliefIS

We're Going Out With A Bang!

It's funny because it's true
And even when you don't believe
I do
But how could you see through the smoke screen
The ignorance that clouds your eyes
That, when the moon shines bright,
Causes you to grow fur
And take off into the night?
I didn't think you'd get it
You never did
Or did you?
Either way I am doubtful
Your mouth is filled with moths
They whisper lies
And you believe every one
You're the man, I know!
Don't tell me twice
So perhaps one day you'll grow up
And take your own advice

Anarchist's Blood

If we'd never met everything would have made sense.
If Renee hadn't run away to be "saved" by a Jesus impersonating, of the occult fuckwad, things wouldn't be so fucking hard.
But we did and she did and things just haven't been right since.

Renee and I were a pair of those attached-at-the-hip best friends. We were born in Tuscon on the same day and at the same hospital two doors down from one another. We found the same things funny, we liked the same fast-paced music, and we had an appetite for anarchy and destruction. That's why we were so close. When we were together we were unstoppable.

Our parents hated it. They despised us in our togetherness and made every tactical move to keep us away from one another, but it was impossible. We were defiant little shits and we didn't give a damn who knew it. It was all we could do not to fail out of school, although we both ended up dropping out before the end of our freshman year of high school anyway. Who gave a fuck about class? It was just the government's way of keeping us in line, making us all little fucking clones of one another... Renee and I didn't like that. We preferred the street scene anyway. That was the life we knew and the one we were most comfortable in.

That was about the same time we both decided to pack our things and run away from home.

Never Doubt

"At least you have stories to tell. We don't," he said as he took a drag. He let the cigarette smoke billow out of his mouth slowly before continuing. "We just never had the time. You've got it all going for you. You've got the shiny clothes, the fancy charm, the ability to make people laugh, to make friends.. We didn't have that. We don't have that and we can't, and we know it and it makes us some obscure mark in this hell hole of a universe. You? You're gonna shine, you're gonna be a star! You'll meet fancy people and go fancy places and we won't and that's just how it's gonna be. That's how it's gotta be. How else do you think we'd survive as friends?" He took one last drag down to the filter and stomped out the cigarette butt beneath his fresh moccasins. He looked his friend strait in the face. His eyes did not blink nor did his gaze waver. He took a step forward, held his friend in a warm embrace, nodded and then walked away. Then over his shoulder he cried, "Remember me for who you want me to be!" and disappeared into the darkness.

Si vous ne le voulait

Your lips seethed with lies.
I watched them pour out of your mouth, fleeing like butterflies as they worked their way slowly to me.
No matter how much I swatted they kept building their cocoon, a twisted web of black matter sweeping me slowly from my feet and now I'm surrounded,
"Surrounded" I tell you but you just won't stop your swarming, still seething lips of delirious lies that cannot be contained even by my last, slow, painful, dying breath.
And when all is dark I fix myself to the walls of your madness, groping with heavy footsteps to find my faint point of truth but there is none.
You've ensnared me, encompassed me in your rabid effervescence and I'm forced to creep into the ludicrous world you have built here for me.
It's pretty fabulous, isn't it, what one lie can do..

An Impurity

"Just like you said"
Was all the reply
But she wasn't so sure this time...
It wasn't one of eight,
Or four, or three,
But mindfulness couldn't be so tricky
Or could it?
He gave her hand a squeeze
"Trust me. I know everything"
And with that she was whisked away.
He shattered her.
It was a many colored lie.
Her face colored pink
She was told that safety was here
In this living moment
Just like devotion said it would be.
And she believed.
Or for a second at least...
But that mindfulness lied.
His eights, fours and threes were not noble,
His heart impure,
His mind not rightful
And she was gone.
Lost in oblivion.
It was all she could do to stay in line.

-Lacee Kae

You Wouldn't Know Me

This time, it won't be enough to just blink once or twice.
This time, nothing that we do will ever seem right.
But what I know is right in front of me,
Standing there clearly for all to see,
But it's so hard to accept fate for what it is
In all its never ending wisdom and glory.
In this moment I can't help myself.
I'm drowning my sorrow in pools of doubt
And fear. It tries driving me away from here,
But you stay in my place as I'm gasping for air.
So I'll yell to the sky and weep at its feet
To forgive me for everything I can't repeat
And it isn't my fault that I've been left like this
No it's just Mother Nature's unlawful gift
To a girl with kaleidoscope eyes that don't hide
The pale gift that she's always hidden inside
But for everyone's sake she just can't repeat
What she knows to be true as she sits at the sky's feet.

-Lacee Kae

Seething

I don't know where to start. I go back and forth, pacing my mind like I'd pace my apartment floor if only my feet were on the ground. But I'm not there. I'm here in timeless space where nothing makes any sense anymore; a mix and mash of mediocre emotion all in a shit pile of inoperable memories that I can't control even when I am behind the wheel of this car that's slowly starting to speed out of control. My brain is clouded. It's stuck in an endless fog that I'm forced to stumble around in without reason. The words, "Where am I?" escape from my mouth and for once I am unsure of anything but myself and my emotions, and how scary everything feels, and how crazy this life is, and in how many directions I could go stumbling in this unforgiving fog. And for what? For simplicity. For serenity. For everlasting peace of mind. For everything and nothing. For love and happiness. For courage. For strength. For... myself.

Untitled

She draped the sigh over him like a midnight cloud. "What's more," she said, "is that we're all atoms, and that's all we can ever be. Nothing more, nothing less." His growth finally stunted, he whisked her away where the moon's glistening eyes had no right to wander, and they bathed in a pool of infinite starlight where the sky had no end and the ground no beginning. The fluttering beats sank into her breath and the two went hand in hand. The river quickened pace to course around them as atoms intertwined and breaths became a whisper. Love was nothing more than a symphony and nothing less than a melody, and it rang through the night like a mocking bird ready to flee as the sun forced itself upon the earth.

Safety

Somewhere out there
I have found sanctuary
In all that is sacred.
But to stay in one place
Is so torturous
And only tumultuous times
Can soothe my wandering soul.
It is a gift,
It is a curse,
But I cannot stop myself...
It is inherent in my bones
Boiling in my blood;
It is everything I've ever wanted.

-Lacee Kae

Who she was
Has strayed from her
Like a blind cat
That can't find its way
Back home.
And after all
The fine development
She misses most
Who she used to be
In her many selves.
Should she return
She'll be pleased
But will know
She took a step back
In time.

Lacee Kae

My Beginning

When you told me life was a melody
I was too naive to know
That your tongue was filled with poisoned lies.
Growing, I began to find that
Nothing was what you had portrayed
For even I was a work of fiction
Drawn into your wound up imagination.
To you, I was an effervescent being
Who would sway to your whim
But really I was nothing
And nothing I have remained ever since.

-Lacee Kae