You Deserve It

As my first semester here at USC winds down, I thought it would be nice to reflect on a few things that have happened, people I've met, and things I have felt.

First and foremost, I would like to say that everyone I've met here has been so, so brilliant in very different ways. All of your funny little quirks (and you know we all have them) have made living with you an interesting and enthralling experience. In terms of my suite specifically, and of course the suite across the hall who, encompassed, makes up the Suite 16, I'm so glad we've all grown as close as we have. Without you life would be completely dull except for those times when I frequent Ground Zero for work or play. I'm looking forward to another lovely semester with you all!

To those at Ground Zero: Thank you so much for accepting me as part of the family! I feel extremely privileged to be able to work with such amazing people as yourselves. You never fail to make me laugh, or just simply work my ass off! Basically, thank you ALL for making me feel at home here in this potentially scary environment we like to call USC.

When it comes to classes here I've worked harder than ever before. Yet through all the complaints, the stress, the studying and laboring, I've enjoyed what I've done, and look forward to the next three and a half years of working just as hard, or even harder!

Anyway, time is wearing thin and it's almost tailgate time. But once again, thank you all, I love you, and Fight On Trojans! In it to win it against Arizona!

Sincerely yours,
Lacee Kae <3

Conviction

Convinced
That perfection was in an immediate sigh.
Your sleight of hand confounded me
But nothing is forever.
Behind your smile you grimaced
Yet I gave in,
Ignoring implications of birds
Although they told truths.
I could stop nothing
And with you creating everything
I knew my world was soon to fall.
A necessary demise.
I had permission to re-live in this moment.
But not forever.
Nothing is forever.
And still I remain.

Inside Looking Out

From my windowsill I can see everything in color. It contrasts with the bleakness of the surrounding white walls and the dreary look of the wooden door and furniture of my every day surroundings. Outside there is a beauty unrivaled by any other scene, although one would not think so at first glance. Yet here I sit in times of need and revel in the loveliness outside, whether rain or sunny weather. Passerbys with haggard faces force me to dream of other lives, not so similar to mine which has been filled with good fortune. Some dress in what they can, ragged cloths sewn together, clasping their possessions tight, mumbling to themselves and begging for money through cardboard signs. Others are well dressed. They sometimes carry umbrellas to block the sun from their faces or raincoats to shield themselves from the torrent outside weather. I want to know where all of them are going and where they have been, to hear their stories and document their lives so people know who they are. They could teach me a few things about living... or perhaps not.

The street is pregnant with cars of every size and color, waiting impatiently at lights to get where they need to go. It seems everyone is in a hurry although the day is fine and the night even finer. If I could see the drivers I'd know they were glancing back and forth and tapping their steering wheels, faces contorted in agitation. The construction is what's really slowing them down. It takes up half of the street leaving one simple lane on each side. Men in brightly dressed colors and hardhats pay no heed to what the drivers want however, and lazily eat the sandwich they've been saving all day, probably one their wife or lover threw together for them because they were too tired to do so themselves. What do they think of all those people walking the streets? Are their stories similar?

Gazing downward I find myself staring into a backyard setting similar to that of a home. The grass is green and soft looking, inviting for anyone who'd like to play sports or just gaze up at the stars on a particularly dark night. A swingset is set out for a child, probably one belonging to one of the professors living on campus with his or her family. A lonely blue bike leans against the glass doorway to the left as it's been doing since I first took my look outside. It keeps from rusting by sitting under a small awning. A gangly tree serves as mild yard decoration and easily kept plants line the fence separating the yard from the half construction zone, half speedway that surround it. There is space to run, to kick around a soccer ball, to meditate, or to garden, yet I've never seen anyone in that yard. It's interesting to entertain what view I'd have of this bleak interior from the outside...

Can't Explain

Something doesn't make sense here
With these intimacies out of place
You sigh indignantly
But never find a way to replace
The emotions you've held onto all your life
Not realizing what they do
To anyone who gets to know
What's going on inside of you
Instead you roam the vast plains
Of the workings of your mind
Sighting what cannot be yours
On that horizon where you find
That there's no room for delicacies
None for souvenirs
Just a place to rest your head
In the bed of all your fears
So push, and pull, and fight
And go to the extremes
To sleep in quiet serenity
Where the sky will meet your dreams.

Lacee Kae <3

Musings On Love

Here's a recap of my thoughts on love as I nearly went crazy with boredom yesterday from locking myself up in my room (within good reason of course, didn't want anyone else catching my cold):

Untitled Poem

Excuse my affection
For a moment my dear
Although not showing it would be dreadful
At least to me...
I could tell you everything or nothing,
But you wouldn't believe.
You're just not that way.
To you I'm a stranger
And in many ways I am to myself
Yet that should stop none
Of your peculiar adoration for me.
Whether today or tomorrow
I'm afraid I can't tell
Because time is infinitely good in your presence.
Everything is worth it with you.

Other thoughts:
-I remember being a child and reminiscing on love. How simple I believed it was, but little did I know of its complexity. How unsure we become of ourselves when it comes to the subject.

-Everything I'd like to say stops and runs like a frightened deer when I'm near you. It's like a speech I'm not prepared for...

-I'm sorry, I'm afraid my head and my heels have met some confusion!

-Every good love song starts with heartache

and also PSYCHE! because that's what love feels like sometimes.

Written September 7th, Blogged September 8th
Lacee Kae <33

To become something more

Than a misleading game

Is uninquisitive in every word,

Irrevocably insensitive to your nature,

Not "normal" for your self esteem.

But as intriguing as you believe you are

It's nothing more than pity

That has your audience gasping for return.

If you ever want some real advice

I'd suggest a slot in universal time

Where you can take a moment to view the world

From a new perspective.

Believe, dear, that this is no plea,

Not recognition for your tragedies,

But rather an unsophisticated memoir

Of your hopes and dreams,

Pounding through the night like wolves

On the prowl to save themselves

From the winter cold envisioned in their blood.

Their ancestry leads them home

As will your truths...

So follow them there.

Lacee Kae <33

Truth

I told myself I wouldn't feel this way, that my life was going in an utterly new direction and then you stepped in... My world did a 180 degree backflip and now I hang here with my hair in front of my eyes, the blood rushing to my head and I feel so alive in every way. "You fool!" I yell at myself, but I just can't catch my breath when you're around. My mouth is dry and I am speechless, and this lack of blood to the rest of my body is making me woozy. I'd drop to my knees if only I could, but my circumstance makes it impossible. And yet you're there, always standing two feet on the ground, so calm and certain of where everything is going for you, unaffected by my presence here in my parallel universe, or at least it appears as such to me. I could only wish you would join me here, either that or stop my 5th grade antics for just a moment so I could see things clearly. Hold me close darling, keep me safe, it's what I need from you right now.

September 7, 2009

Lacee Kae

The Good, The Bad, and The Ridiculous

"Rambling," she said, "is all in the mind of the wise man." He sits and he waits for his moment to strike, biding his time until the fish takes a bite and then... Snap! he's got it just like that. His monumental catch, the crowd pleaser, that is until he runs out of choice words and his brain falters and goes numb with indecision and raucous noise, echoing throughout his thoughts. The sage, distraught by his new found inability then trembles with a ghastliness never encountered. It is the downfall of the invincible, the unanswerable question... It is struggle. It's you. It's me. It's... life...

Almost angsty,

Lacee Kae <33

08/27/2009

Decisions, decisions!

Ok, New Year's resolution time is far from over, but I've decided on some mid-ish end-ish of the year resolutions to work on that I feel will be far more beneficial to me than I could otherwise have hypothesized.

1. Healthier Diet

Shut up about me being skinny! That has ne forbearance on whether I'm bound to go into a diabetic coma one day soon from my overconsumption of chocolate sweets and Starbucks teas, which I'm convinced may happen if I don't shape up. Although, I did hear chocolate is good for you, you know, the dark bitter kind that melts in your mouth? Anyway, I digress..

2. No TV

Yes, I know how this sounds so very 2012, but there are more important things to be learned in life than what Lindsay Lohan's latest scandal is and who Paris Hilton's new BFF is. Sorry reality TV lovers, it's not that I don't adore the occassional dose of drama, I just want to expand my mind a bit more and find creative outlets to dedicate my time to. Which leads me to my next resolution!

3. Become More Creative

I've always wanted to paint and become a master of some instrument. I would love to impress people with my digeridoo skills...

To my dear friends: Help me stick to these please! As my guides through these murky waters I know you'll serve me well!

With love,
Lacee Kae <33

Hooked

It's not a waste of time
If you save some space
In line for me.
Because my emotions
Aren't plastic
But they slowly melt...
Sometimes...
And there's nothing to do
But watch them go
Like you've done
So many times before.
I'll be in this state
For some time
Yet my thoughts
Remain fluid and fluctuating.
Hooked, trapped
Here in your arms
For but a moment
Until I'm freed.

-Lacee Kae (8/3/2009)

Letting Loose

You sighed when I sat you down, terror in your eyes and a smile laced with uncertainty. Who are we to live in a grimacing world where nothing really matters but the outside? As I take away your breath we race toward truth within tragedy, and you smile as if you mean it, but nothing is believable anymore, not here, not today. Raspy voiced I cry for attention, but you don't want it. I'm trying to explain but the words come out in scrambled letters, as if I were asking for forgiveness where none is needed. My heart can't bear the thought of this uncertainty anymore, so I keep my silence, hold my chin up, and walk into the darkness alone without cowardice. Your footsteps ring out behind from the shadow, but I'm not turning around to explain anymore. This is not my battle.

Fleeting Illusions

And deep inside she felt the aching, just dying to open up, to let it pour from her like rain pours from the tropical sky, but her nerves got the best of her. She swallowed her pride, swallowed it right down to her aching belly where it lay for as long as she could bear it. It was her protection. She wanted to feel invincible, even if it weren't true, even if it could never be true. It made her feel less vulnerable. It made her feel like she could take on the world. And her emotion hid deep inside of her until she'd burst open, spilling her feelings all over the floor, completely vulnerable for just an instant... And it seemed to be enough, but deep down she knew it couldn't possibly continue this way.

She was complicated.
She knew it.
She understood it.
It was who she was.

what do we have to do

to feel that way again?
nobody has an answer, but I've got a plan.
i'm simple, you're tragic
but nothing seems to matter because
it's all so trivial.
when in moments pivotal you turn your back
i'm waiting there, but nevermore.

-BeliefIS

My Reality

There she stood, gazing across the open plain in an attempt to find serenity within herself. Her eyes followed the movement of the swaying grass, the wind blew through her hair, and she breathed in deeply for the first time in months. The sky was the crispest blue she'd ever seen, and the clouds floated by on feathered wings, beckoning her to stay until the sun fell from the sky and the moon took its place, but she knew she could not, that she'd have to go back to the unceasing pace of city life and live up to the expectations set there for her. She sighed in contentment and rose from her resting place, her body leaving an indent in the tall blades of prairie grass and strode back up the tiny dirt path up to the top of the mountain. She felt refreshed and ready to take on anything. As she hopped into her car she switched on the radio and put in some Bob Dylan and made her way home. Shit! 12 'o clock already? She'd be late for work again...

Repetition

I tend to put myself in compromising positions. It's a skill I guess. I go back to situations that need no tending to, but I can't really help it, because there are certain things in life that I have a hard time letting go. But I'm gonna make a pact with myself! From this day forward I start a new leg of my life. I will leave the past to the past, and look toward the future with open eyes and open heart and mind. It's my duty to create my own story. If life has chapters, August 19th will be the start of a new one. Not much more to say other than embrace life as it comes and never doubt your intuition.

Without a doubt
BeliefIS, May 3, 2009

Senses

Bite your lip and hold your breath
These cracking walls won't hold much longer
They're tumbling as we speak
Hold on to yourself

Your eyes won't dry and your ears won't hear
The end of this fight
It's nothing new to you
Just another moment stuck in time

A moment meant for meaning
A moment for change
But this time is different for you
You're giving it away

You've got to fight the sensation
Something you don't want to do
Sometimes it's worth the fire
At other times it leaves you cold

So bite your lip, hold your breath,
Don't let your eyes dry or your ears hear it
The cracking of the walls
The same as the crackling of the flames

-BeliefIS (3/31/2009)

Awake For You

I can't stand the sight
With your hair a mess and your eyes wide shut.
We can't breath here
But you choose to stay
And there's nothing for me anymore.
Submerged in patience
I await
I'm awake
But you can't see me.
It's not what we've done
Although I've tried to fix our mess.
We made it together.
Out of misery our hope remains
And I can't wait much longer.
Because the clock will always tick
Our hearts will always beat
It's my time to be selfish.
I await
I'm awake for you.

-BeliefIS (March 26, 2009)

Burn This

When the world falls down around us
And the sky's the only thing left
We can watch the moon confounded
By the hearts now gone bereft

With your hand upon the trigger
And mine on the naked grass
We'll ride this city into the ground
And gain unlucky pass

With our mind set on momentum
We ride the night
This is our tragic ending
Don't let me down now

Our feet drawn to the concrete
We're making our descent
Panting, running, racing
For these sins left to repent

With your hand upon the trigger
And mine reaching for it fast
We'll burn this city to the ground
As a symbol of the last

Time stands still, so do I
Time stands still, as we fly
Just give up, the nameless plight
And let us go into the night

With our mind set on momentum
We ride the night
This is our tragic ending
Don't let me down now

-BeliefIS (March 25, 2009)

Inconsistent Messages

What have we got to lose?
Tomorrow's long gone,
The present's on end,
Our past is rising with the tide
So we better hold on.
Once you said that we were something
More than champagne and rose petals,
But now you call us strangers...
It seems we've never met.
Because I don't know this from that,
And I'm out of guesses.
In truth, I'm lost at sea
Without the wind at my back,
Just floating,
Wandering without a clue.
It's exactly like us, you and me.
So unfamiliar and foreign.
Change is our progression.

-BeliefIS, February 26, 2009

Taking Sides

She looked at me so inquisitively, her eyes always asking questions I could not fully answer. Convincing her to go would not be so easy this time. She hadn't asked anything of me since she'd arrived, but this would be different. God, she reminded me so much of Sorren... always curious, always seeking more than one could provide for her, but that fighting spirit was what drew me to her without anything holding me back.

"Why do we have to go? I mean, I just got here!" Eva asked skeptically.
"I'll explain it to you once we're out of here," I said, but she wouldn't have it.
"Please tell me now," she pleaded with me.

I sat her down carefully, looked her straight in the eye and explained, "Jasper, the man that came in, he's not your average person Eva. He's.... he... he's a Guardian. He keeps people like us out of the human world because he feels we do not belong there. To them, we are the unordinary, a force to be reckoned with. We scare them so they do not want us in their world. Jasper is a Hunter, a killer Eva." Recognition crossed her face and immediately she stared past me at the beige, uneventful wall beyond. Worry, fear, anger, betrayal... all these emotions crossed her face within the time she thought about the man who had just left the house, at least until tomorrow evening.

He had figured us out, but of course it was not easy getting around a Hunter. They were trained from birth to recognize signs that related to Travelers and other extraordinary beings that lived amongst men. They knew who was who by speech patterns, small mannerisms, and simple living styles. It was almost an unfair advantage.

"Ok," she replied, "let's get out of here." She slipped from the house out into the dead of night, and although she was hardly visible I knew she was waiting for me right outside the door. I grabbed a pack and a few belongings and strode out of the house, TV still buzzing, light fixtures in tact. Tonight would be something to live for, or perhaps to die for.

As I stepped out the door she asked, "Where to now?" almost tiredly.
"To Cairo," I said plainly. I looked her in the eye, grasped her hand, and walked with her to the car. "But first, we must find Able." The other Keeper.

Taking Sides Pt. 3

As I began to become unaware of my pleasant surroundings there was a knock on the door. Thomas' back straightened, his eyes widened, his pupils dilated, like some kind of alert animal. he grabbed my arm and walked me to the couch. "Sit," he said. "Don't say a word, just watch T.V." I didn't ask any questions, I just watched him strut to the door frame and open it slightly. His face conveyed what I took to be a fake grin as he greeted the invisible stranger. Once he decided to invite the guest in I swapped my gaze back to the television, that stupid reality show!

I heard Thomas' light walk as well as the dragging of the stranger's feet across the barren wood floor. Then came the pause, and I knew it was because of me.

"Ah, Jasper, meet Eva. She's a cousin of mine, visiting for the week. Eva, meet Jasper."

I turned around to find a very gaunt man, taller than Thomas at a ghastly stature of 6'7". His face was pale and he had dark circles under his eyes. He was clothed in black from head to foot down to his shoelaces. His nose was long and pointed, his face conveying no emotion. He just stared.

"Hello," I said, discomforted by his gaze.

"Pleasure to meet you," he replied, a horrible grin on his face.

"Have a drink, won't you?" Thomas interrupted, and Jasper obliged willingly.

The two talked for quite some time in harsh whispers, and no matter how hard I listened I could not overhear their conversation. Irritated and utterly confused, I just returned to my place at the TV and tried to gaze intently at its glow. Finally the mysterious man rose from his seat, he thanked Thomas for his hospitality and turned to leave, but not before giving me a look that could turn milk sour. Thomas walked him to the door, hugged him, and then told him he would love to be in the man's company again soon. He shut the door and walked anxiously into the living room.

"Do you have all your things together?" he inquired.

"Yes," I said, showing him my backpack.

"Good, because we're leaving," he proclaimed. "Right now.
"

How Hearts Beat

There was one moment
Where we crossed the street,
The city behind us
In a rubbish heap.
And we'd laugh together
With tears in our eyes
As we made our descent
Without saying goodbyes.
Because we're too young to care
About war ravaged minds,
Where the rage and the beauty
Was often combined,
And the soft spoken words
Often held such foul lies
That we don't comprehend
That we're being denied.
So we creep down this sidewalk
Through this burning land
And we'll never look back
To what we don't understand.

-Belief IS <3

Taking Sides 2

I got up and began pacing, head bowed in thought, looking at the floor as if it would give me some answer, as if it would tempt my lips to move from their sullen position. Finally I stopped, looked up at the ever ticking clock on the wall, my eyes roving and studying each picture on the mantle. I felt the warmth of the fire on my legs, smelt the crackling wood, listened to the droning sound of the TV. At that single, solitary moment my senses were more acute than ever. I opened my lips slightly, took a shallow breath, and whispered, "I need your help."

His voice, silky and smooth barreled at me from across the room, "They've caught you haven't they?"

"Yes," I said somewhat inaudibly.

"How did you find out about me?"

"My brother, Sorren, before he died he gave me your name. You have no idea how long it took me to find you, searching the world for a Thomas Applegate that has no record whatsoever."

"Do you know what would happen if they figured out where I was hiding?" he questioned calmly, "I hold the key to the location of every Traveler out there. They could have every one of us locked up in a matter of months."

My countenance darkened. I knew he was right. How could I have been so ignorant in front of such a lovely creature? After all, he was only one of two Keepers left on the planet, and the other was so difficult to find Thomas couldn't even keep up with him. "The Wanderer" was what Sorren had called him. He had chosen not to live among human beings and took to adopting nomadic ways, changing his location every couple of months. He was the reason my brother was dead, the reason so many of us had perished in the war.

Thomas got up gracefully from his spot on the couch and walked my way, this time with a purpose, and with every step he took forward my heart leapt, and its pounding became so racuous I could no longer hear that ridiculous reality show. He stopped in front of me, his face inches from mine. I felt his cool hand at the base of my neck. It slid along my shoulder, down my arm and grasped my hand. His other hand pressed on my chin lightly to make my downcast face gaze into his. When I finally built up the nerve to look at him he said, "You're safe here." And I believed every word of it.

To be continued...

Taking Sides Pt.1

God he was beautiful, standing there in the melancholy cold night. One hand was shoved in his pocket, the other grasped a cigarette which he placed tentatively to his lips and drew in a breath, exhaling slowly and quietly as he changed his stance. His almond colored eyes never wandered, as if he were always deep in thought. His toffee colored hair was curly and frazzled, and he hadn't shaved in a couple of days, but his sharp features made up for it.

He didn't speak a word as he tossed his now burnt out cigarette to the ground and walked inside, glancing my way as if beckoning me to go with him, and of course I obliged. The warmth of the house took over as we stepped inside and he poured me a glass of champagne. He then looked straight into my eyes, almost through me to the point where I felt invisible, watching me as I sipped my bubbling beverage.

"Who are you?" he wanted to know.
"Eva," I replied with slight hesitation, unsteady in the presence of the unfamiliar, "nice to meet you."
He kept his gaze steady and said calmly, "I'm Thomas. It's my pleasure," and that was all, at least for a while.

He crossed the room almost lazily and flipped on the TV to some bizarre reality show which he seemed to take no pleasure in. I watched him do it, hearing only the soft pounding of my own heart in my ears and the ticking of the old clock hanging above the fireplace. "Come sit," he said as he settled down on the couch, and I followed his lead without question. He should have known he was far too intriguing for his own good.

I sat awkwardly beside him, although I doubt the situation was as awkward for him as it had been for me. He was used to strangers, he lived among them, worked among them, and had trust in them where I hardly got to step outside of my own peaceful bubble of a life. I could feel those eyes burning into me with all their intensity and I finally mustered up the courage to look into his solemn face.

"Why have you come?" he asked. Oh, what a devilish question. He was good, very good...