Slow Speech

Speech so slowly
Trickling down my chin,
Like midnight faucets that drip,
Foretelling dangers in the dark.
Horrors tip-toe through the night
With molasses fingertips
And toothy grins
That haunt daytime dreams.
Inescapable feelings of solitude,
Desolation coming softly,
Sweetly caressing cherub faces
That know too much already.
Tired eyes that weep
Still…
Tired eyes that search,
Still waiting for a sign.

NOTE: This poem was written a few weeks ago. Hope you like it. <3

Breath Through Your Lungs

Set free your belief
Of fear and loathing
With heavy hand and tired eye.
Sleep slowly,
With melancholy dreams
Uniformly spaced,
Withered from weather;
From tired sighs of gratitude
That long for prolonged days.
Lie among summer blossoms.
Take deep breaths of clarity.
Sink in...
Sink in and resign
To the world you don't understand.
Free your lungs of speech.
Exist.
Resist belief.
Let fear and loathing be.

-11/29/11 LKS

My Soul Says

Reactionary intervention.
Sweet solitude like honey,
Dripping down the crippled streets
Of imagination,
Running amok like Sandlot children,
Feigning grace like falling stars.
Charming effervescence.
An iridescent light falls,
Slowly, spiraling downward,
Colliding with mercenaries
Of foreign lands,
Leading home the lost and famous,
Streaking naked through the night.
Falling letters.
Teardrops to a long, lost lover.
The promise of forever,
Or never…
The hope of no return.

-LKS

Think Of Me

Evaluate the moment you left behind. Every little word trickling down the back of your throat seems worthless, meaningless, flawless, all at the same time. Things you never could have said, but your mind races with the thought of expressing those sweet, clear words. False memories flood in, replacing the anguish you've caused yourself, scurrying back and forth, teasing you with hints of joy and happiness, all of it dreamlike... because it is. An illusion so powerful it consumes you! Every waking moment screams mercilessly at you, please accept me! even though you can't. It's not real... or is it? The fight to pretend weakens your psyche. You can no longer distinguish between what is real and what's not because its been so, so long and those memories hold your appetite so steady that you don't hunger anymore, you don't thirst, you just are. Everything within you just exists, dreamlike, an illusion.

Tread Carefully

I haven't been writing as much as I used to. It feels foreign not to write, but there's just nothing to say. My head is blank. Empty. My journal holds pointless, useless information about my day. What I did, who I saw, where I went, who I'm crushing on, who I love, who I hate... for lack of a better word. What happened to the metaphor? What happened to my brain swarming with injured thoughts about society? Where is the poetry in my every day, the dark horse that kept me shining?

"I can only write when I'm sad," I tell people.

I really don't think that's true. I think my brain feels dull, sullen, nervous, confused, overworked from all the bullshit that I shove into it every day. It's turning it's back on me, scorning me for no longer trying to think deeper, feel deeper, see the bigger picture. Feel deeper. Emotions don't come easy anymore. They're very easy to hide among the workload of my life. I make excuses not to feel and not to care. I don't want to get hurt.

"Nobody wants to get hurt," you say, but hurt comes too quickly and too easily for a girl like me. I fall too hard, too fast for those who don't understand me but who I wish understood me. I gravitate toward the unfamiliar because I can't face the fact that someone might actually give a shit. That's the worst part. I do this to myself.

I should really be more careful.

Ask and Receive: Gifts From the Universe

I have this belief that if you ask the universe for something you will receive it. It seems strange, doesn't it, putting your faith in the cosmos? It makes me wonder if the universe really is providing what I need, or if I just find a crafty way of getting what I want. Either way, putting my faith in the universe hasn't failed me yet. But I was wondering: What if there is something I need that I can't identify? What if I can't ask the universe for an answer because I haven't identified the question? Let me explain. I've felt like I've been in a little bit of a rut this semester. Maybe I'm overstressed and I'm taking on way too much for my own good. No shocker there! But either way I feel like I'm not totally in control of my daily activities. Normally I have a great handle on things and life balances beautifully, but I feel no balance. I feel like I don't have that handle on things that normally keeps my world upright and spinning beautifully. Everyone is entitled to a bad semester I guess, and let's not pretend that junior year isn't a downer, because it kind of is, but my question is why now? Why this semester? Furthermore, I feel like I'm missing something but I can't place my finger on what that something is. Maybe I just need something to be excited about; something to motivate me. Surely everyone needs motivation! Maybe I need more human interaction, or perhaps I need someone to confide in and to share my deepest thoughts with. I need a deep thinker, a philosopher. Or maybe I just need to not be stuck in this house all the time. Or maybe Fall semester just needs to end already because it makes absolutely everyone miserable. That's become pretty obvious talking to well, any college student on campus in the last two weeks. So this is my predicament. I don't know what to ask the universe for. Maybe it can just give me that motivation, or that philosopher, or that sense of adventure, or that end to Fall semester's long journey, or whatever it is that I'm missing. Or maybe I have to seek those things myself. I guess we'll just have to see.

Your name screams murder
Of the highest degree.
Blaring on repeat
Like a record off its rocker,
Deliberately driving me
Into the vast and open sea.
You make me cringe.
Bawling like a banshee
Lying through your teeth.
My personal politician,
Campaigning against freedom.
It's your darkness that deceives them.
Waste away within your crime binge.
When sugar tastes like lead
It still rots the teeth.
At the nature of your beast
The weak come to feast.
You make me cringe.

-LKS 7:00pm

She The Moon

The Sun surrenders to the Moon's caress
The trees are silenced by her light
Curving landscapes sit in solitude
Familiar with her plight

I hear her whisper oh so sweetly
Quieting both man and beast
Omniscient is her power still
When offering her feast

Dazed, the watchman awaits his praise
For helping Sunlight win the fight
When morning strikes he tells the story
Of the previous night

Yet the Sun cannot know peace
For she is ever watchful still
His tired eyes close upon the world
And win again she will

- LKS 7/23/11

What We've Destroyed

I cringe at the idea of plastic never decaying. I picture landfills of detergent bottles, used up tupperware containers, and plastic cups piled up high into the heavens without end, left there to rot for millions of years. By the time the human race is gone those bags will still be there. Perhaps they'll come to life and form a race of their own. God knows they'd survive long enough to develop motor function.

I weep at the thought of an island of garbage floating through the ocean. Fish, their stomachs filled with shards of plastic, swimming until they're caught and fed to us as dinner. Coral reefs suffocating under a mass of old styrofoam cups and old grocery bags. Oceanic creatures dying because they can't get to the surface; because they're blocked by fishing wire and rings that used to hold soda cans. The human race, swimming in its own discarded filth.

I feel disgusted thinking about the fact that we consciously pump toxic fumes into our atmosphere, building a wall of smog so thick you can't see the stars anymore. That we are the source of the acid rain that destroys countless ecosystems. That we are perpetuating our own respiratory problems because big oil companies want to hold onto their money instead of investing it in natural sources of power.

I am sad that so many people think environmental issues are just for "hippies" who march through the streets holding signs and pour red paint on those wearing animal fur.
I am sad that so many people choose to look past the truth so they don't have to change their way of life and adopt sustainable products.
And I am sad knowing that some of the people who ready this will not take it seriously because they think we've got all the time in the world to fix what we've already so badly destroyed.

Summer Falls

And all at once
I was stuck
Tired eyes
My body struck
Within resistance boils up
Stranger now that I'm face up
No sleep
Helplessly alone I weep
Desperation calls
In the silence of these walls
Never once have I recalled
Anguish that alone befalls
The silence that I keep

-LKS 6/23/11

Honesty Hour - 7pm - 6/19/11

I run. I run because I can't stand to sit in front of someone and reveal the most vulnerable parts of myself. I don't know what vulnerable means. Just when I think I want to find out, I run again. I run for dear life. I don't want to run, but I do it anyway. How do I fix me?

Forget Everything

Where are we now?
Apathetic show and tell
Searching for a cause somehow
Never really rang a bell

Unless you take into account
The flexibility of a vow
With fingers crossed it won't amount
To the place that we are now.

I've forgotten everything
Even that look upon your face
Memories that it would bring
Are shadowed now by such disgrace

But gladly I refuse to note
Such sorrow in the songs you sing
Tired of the endless quote
Now I've forgotten everything.

-LKS 6/18/11

Growth and Change

To grow sometimes we need to make sacrifices. We need change and we need it now. These changes are not always easy. No wait... they're never easy. I've been trying to make it a point to revamp my entire lifestyle. I need to think about my future in realistic terms. To do this I have been forced to examine myself more critically than I could have ever imagined. I've needed to sacrifice some of the things that I love, but I feel positive about everything that's happening. I know that I am changing the right things. I feel confident. Ok... maybe I'm a little scared, but mostly confident.

-xo

Before I ever set my hands upon my keyboard this morning, I felt compelled to slide into a state of total relaxation. You know, I wanted to clear my mind. I put on the new Incubus single "Adolescents," lit up some Celestial, and took an incense bath in front of my computer screen. My method of relaxation might be considered a little unorthodox, but what the hell, it works just fine. And now I hope I can present you with a clear train of thought instead of the often confusing and overly metaphorical poetry you normally see on this blog.

Spring 2011 semester has finally come to a close and I believe it is time for a bit of self-reflection. I am halfway through college. Two years down, two to go. I am over the hill. I am 20 years old, but my youthful years appear to be fading fast, and I am left pondering the past, present, and future (but mostly the future). Frightening? Extremely. Rewarding? Very. I find my conversations turning to those unavoidable subjects including paying rent and other bills, marriage, and even children. But there is one question I have been mulling over for quite some time that I would like to try and answer for myself: What does it mean to grow up? And it might be safe to ask: Have I already grown up?

Well, the answer to my second question is clearly and distinctly "no". Although I will be paying my own rent and utility bills I am not completely financially independent. My parents keep me on their cell phone plan because it is cheaper to do so. I do not pay for my horse's board. I don't have a car payment and I don't pay for my insurance. I still have a difficult time filling out my financial aid forms. I ask for help on my W-4. I like to go out on the town as much as any college student, and I still make some irresponsible decisions even though they are against my better judgement. I can admit that I am still not comfortable with everything about myself. However I can safely claim that I am independently responsible for myself and for my actions. I work three jobs and I work pretty much every day. And I work hard. I save ahead of time for rent payments and can pay for my own groceries. I'm always at work at least 15 minutes early, and in fact I am 15 minutes early wherever I go. I constantly plan for both the near and far future. I am generally extremely mature for my age. I can handle myself. I know what I love and I know what I really dislike, and I can read people within 30 seconds of meeting them. I would say that I am a trustworthy and loyal person and friend. But what else factors into the transfer from youth to adulthood?

My answer: I don't know. Financial independence? Maturity? A distinct understanding of the way the world works? Life experience? Reading the newspaper in the morning? Working from 9-5? Marriage? Children? A house with a white picket fence? Taking responsibility for your actions? Going the extra mile? Perhaps all of these things. Perhaps none of them. I think that adulthood can come at many stages of life, and I do not believe that there is a defined line that separates the young from the slightly older. I don't believe that there is some kind of threshold that you cross where, when you get to the other side, you are suddenly thrust into adulthood. Although admittedly, some people are thrust into adulthood. There are plenty of adults who are still children, and plenty of children who act like adults. There is such a thing as an old soul and such a thing as a young mind. So where do we draw the line? Are you an adult once you reach a certain age? No, I wouldn't say so. Are you an adult once you move out of your parents' house? Not necessarily. Maybe it's when you can support yourself, think for yourself, speak for yourself, and be confident in each of these abilities. Maybe it's when society says that you are an adult. Or maybe it's when you realize that not everything is what it seems, when you step away from yourself in order to examine your past, present, and future, and when you can admit to the kind of person you have become without flinching.

For now, keep thinking.

-Lacee Kae

We Were Friends Once

We've walked our separate ways
For miles upon miles
And in the blackest haze
Called out beneath the Nile
But none of us could hear
The ghastly sound of fate
Where one who's never near
Could breed between us hate
This anxious, knotted gut
Knows nothing of your scorn
But feels the deepest rut
Of emotions that are worn
An indescribable fury
From your end of the stick
However never worried
It doesn't make me sick.

-3/22/11

Would You?

You're everywhere
Like the risk I couldn't take
The poison I can't shake
Pulsing through my brain
It's getting harder to abstain
From keeping you in line
When time really isn't mine
To change in the first place.
Everything I've known
About this distant, quaking drone
This collapsible, unmappable
Art of feeling fine
Though on the inside it's like dying
A second time.
Would it be too crazy
To think that possibly, maybe
We could see eye to eye?
You wouldn't think that I
Was as out of my mind as I say
Or would you walk away?
And let the poison sink
Into my bones that couldn't weep...
Would you?

-Written 3/19/11

Perils of Philosophy

I've kept myself tossing and turning all night examining the universe. Black holes expanding, encompassing me, as shooting stars play games involving mutiny. But poetry flows easily unlike my philosophy, with exhausting uncertainty, its perils screaming warily, "Don't do this! Don't uncover me..." Not everything is what it seems.

Wherever The Wind Goes, I Go Too

Antisocial is not exactly the right word, but if that's what you'd like to call it then feel free. I really see it as a way of getting my priorities straight. I've allowed myself too much free time to bask out in the sun and play games, but I can't do that anymore. With the looming terror of midterms my anxiety level is high and my affinity for party-going is at an all time low. I need to rip myself from the throes of youth for just a minute and get some real work done! Is it unfortunate? Absolutely. I would love to drunkenly run to and fro Thursday through Sunday but that wouldn't do me nearly as much good as it would to finish that 10 page study guide for geophysics now would it? No. It would not. So please, if you catch me on a day where I'd much prefer sleep over staying up until 3am, forgive me. We'll catch up later. I promise.

-Fin-

The Way I Used To Be

You had me right
I had you wrong
This configuration's
Not quite as strong as
It used to be.
As I used to be...
I second guessed
You gave that chance to me to
Forget about the way it used to be
The way I used to be...
And everything I couldn't claim
All those thoughts gone unexplained
Built up around me.
As all our ignorances fade
I can't forget the way your face
So sad...
It looked upon me.
I'm running out of time
To cross that wicked line
And tell you why it can't be
The way it used to be...
The way I used to be...

-Lacee Kae.

Freedom

We sat there in the middle of the crowd, my hand in yours, speaking in inaudible whispers. And through it all I heard you mumble something of regret and sorrow, but I could not find sympathy. Emotions tangled I let you go. Daring to glance into your eyes, I found your empty face staring sullenly back down at me, your soul lost amongst the surrounding sheep. I was not sorry. As I turned from you I heard your gasp of agony, but did not return to your side. Freedom was mine. It was everything.